Letter to my closest friends

I wanted to write this to explain what has been going on with me for the past few months. As you may have noticed I have not been in the best of moods lately. Unfortunately it has caused me to think, say, and do things that I regret. I guess what started this was a few months ago a very old friend of mine passed away. You probably saw my posts or I told you about him but his name was Grady Reese. I knew Grady since I could barely walk. I have never experienced a major death in my life. The only member of my family to die was my Grandfather, Arthur Smith. But he died when I was about 4 or 5 years old so I did not understand death at that time. Grady on the other hand, his death hit me. It hit me a lot harder then I thought it did. As I explained to people his death was "A Grim Reminder of My Own Mortality". I started to realize that I don't have nearly as much time as I thought I did. I do not fear Death. Death is simply another aspect of life. I have come to accept that someday I will die. As I said recently "If it lives, It will die. There is no changing that".

I also have been struggling lately with feelings that I have failed in achieving the success I wanted here in Denver. I guess its because I set too high of expectations for myself (One of my flaws). Normally these two things on their own I could handle but together I have been struggling. Now on top of that something new has come up. Many of you may not know this yet but my Grandmother, Margie Smith, has been given at best 1 year to live. She has been diagnosed with stomach cancer that metastasized into her lungs. After Arthur's death Margie lived with my family when I was just starting school so she helped raise me and I am very close with her. These things have been weighing very heavily on my mind lately and it has caused me to lash out at the people I am closest with. I want to officially apologize for that behavior and hope that you will forgive me. Unfortunately this is a battle I must fight on my own against my own doubts and fears. I appreciate every one of you and know that I love you all. I hope this explains my actions and gives you a better understanding of what is going on with me.